The desires. The cravings. They're building up inside me again.

What am I talking about? The undeniable need to dress up and play with toys, that's what. I don't think I'm able to go for a full outfit yet if ever again. But panties and something else to go with them at least. Some sort of minimum set for girlplay... I need that. I love it and I require it <3 That's who I am and you all know it just as well as I do!

I will never be as sweet as these girls but I can dream...

Exposure!

I am fucking horny

And I guess I lost my mind in my horny haze and ended up doing something I have never done this publically: posting a frontal photo of myself.

There. Now you  have seen me in all my glory. That turns me on. I want to dress up like that again and insert that red diamond plug in my butt. And to show myself to someon, live.

This is madness. And it feels sexy. Hot. Arousing.
Most of all I want to feel another gurl's mouth traveling around my body and her bulging panties pressing my face. That's what I crave right now. Nothing more. And still it's so fucking impossible to obtain.

Especially as I have purged everything. Again. Once again. I hate this. But I cannot help it.


I am so fucking horny.

Real-life meeting thoughts

It could be doable - even for me - to arrange a meeting with a fellow crossdresser, just a meeting. Going for a coffee with no naughty plans or anything. Of course anything could happen, but still, that's not the point with this kind of  a meeting. These're supposed to be a "let's chat in real life and see if we hit off" kind of a thing.

stock photo

That may sound boring to anyone else, but do imagine this from my viewpoint.
You'd meet someone who you know to be a fellow crossdresser - and that the other one knows exactly what you are too. You have talked about your fantasies, fetishes and desires. Your favourite pornstars, clips, types of lingerie, sex toys and masturbation habits. Of sucking cock, all that girly talk at least I love ;) I mean, why meet someone whom you know nothing of?

To me that alone would be fucking arousing.

Going for a cup of coffee in a coffee place - or for an afterwork beer in a bar, chatting about everyday-like topics. Seeing your fellow-perv and imagining him as her... in her favourite lingerie. You've seen her be slutty in photos and you can rest assured that she's most likely imagining you the exact same way, remembering your comments and seeing your pics in her mind's eye!

I know I'd suddendly realize that at some point and most likely blush. Or lose my usual speech pattern, stutter a bit, get totally lost or something like it. That'd tell the other one that I got seriously distracted - and in this case I don't think it'd take a genious to figure out why so. This in turn could lead to more inner revelations and hopefully some very obscene thoughts <3

Of course in this example of mine the whole meetup had been agreed to be a "civilian clothes only", to avoid adding any extra pressure on the participants. But I think that even if that was agreed on, I might put on lingerie anyway. If I had any, that is.
Then, if the mood was good and the other party seemed worth it, I'd sneakily show a bit of a shoulder strap... ;)

Not exactly like this but while scratching the collarbone region, for example...
Purposefully but still sneakily revealing something...

Yes, I would totally "come out" to someone that way. I know I would be about to panic but also getting very horny and lusty. The preconditions for the revelation would make sure of it, of course. I wouldn't do anything that risky for someone I wasn't feeling confident with. Common sense? Should be!

I'm not saying that I'd immediately jump into the first free toilet or closet to suck, be sucked, fuck or be fucked or anything. What is my point is - it is to verify my girl-self to someone in good confidence and gauge their reaction. Doing that would not be a promise of sexytimes or anything, just a show of faith in the other party.

As always this is just another case of Johanna's neverending empty talk because nothing like this will never happen. Most likely. Right now I've got zero pieces of lingerie and zero toys. Without lingerie I'm nothing, nothing but hot air and unfulfillable fantasies.

January is ending

I just realized that it's the end of January already. That came as a surprise because I've been so fucking busy...

No girlygurly fun. No crossdressing. No cocksucking. Nothing for Johanna, nothing at all. So far 2016 has sucked badly for me.

The photo above shows what toys I had for my glorious week. Then I had to get rid of all of it. Yeah, you read correctly: I had to purge again :'(

Maybe things will get better :) I sure hope they do :)

Happy something!

Happy whatever the hell you feel like celebrating - if you celebrate anything! I don't really mind or care this way or that, as long as I don't have to be at work over a couple of extra days :D

A festivus for the rest of us!

It came and went

Things for me have been weird and not in the best way. So I've been little online lately, sorry about that :(

The famous Jossu Week

My week of my own came upon me like a lightning bolt and it also went the same way. I did have lots of fun, but not as much and not such fun as I had desired and tried to organize... Such is life, I guess.

I had been doing my best to contact those I thought could and maybe would get together and play a bit girlily. But I was not in such luck, no one replied at all. Then during the last days I got an invite to hook up with a girl who'd fucked my mouth happily... The place was just way too far away and the time in the late evening or early night and I just couldn't make it :(

Had I been interested in guys I'd gotten lucky with ease or so I tell myself. I just wasn't, I wanted another girl, fuckit! Because of my more or less healthy paranoia or panic about my secret I discarded every fucking thing I had bought for that week when it was over.

Yes, I do know how much time it took and how much it had cost, I know and understand it perfectly. Still I had to do it. At least I have some obscene photos to remember it by <3

Next up? 

I doubt I'll ever get to do anything like that anymore. It's also something I've accepted or tried to accept at least. Life's strange and its events unforeseeable, so I'll avoid using too definite terms. I'm just not trying to keep up too strong a hope and therefore protecting myself a bit from sadness and disappointment.

Something positive to wrap this annoyingly self-pitying post up: I'll go to the movies any day now and you all know what's gonna be hitting my retinas ;)

She can restrain my bolt any fucking day she wants

Complaining really helped

Wow! Complaining seems to have helped me. Things started moving at a scary pace and now I'm facing my short freedom. I could almost hold my breath until its beginning now!

Lingerie!

Of course I arranged some things, with care, so that I could pop by a couple of select boutiques over a couple of afternoons. Now I own lingerie again! Not just those black panties but a corselet, stayups and .. hm, a couple of other things. I even bought a wig from a costume shop! That doesn't make me look girly enough but that's life of a not-girly guy, right?

Once I had all my stuff (so far, mind you, I'm not done yet!) bought I managed to try them out. It was rushed and all but still, I was turned on so hard it wasn't even funny anymore. What I was could only be described horrrrrny as fuck <3 I wore my tight panties, the corselet, stay-ups and the wig. Mmmmmmh :)

A teaser

Now I just need to wait a bit so I get to enjoy all this with ample time, without any rush. And I'm gonna need some more stuff as I hinted before. Cockrings and two more toys at least. Then we're good to go for something at least. Oh, and t-porn, gigabytes of t-porn, there's no going around that requirement for good girly time ;) Maybe I'll even get a real (not a smartphone) camera handy... teeheehee :)

Some light at the end of the tunnel

I hope it's not a train

Worn-out jokes aside, just as I got the previous post done  -  at long last* - things got a bit clearer. Clearer and more positive from my point of view. Of course I still have to cross my fingers and wait, but now with much, much more hope than a few days ago :)

Changes

As I promised, you'd get to know when I got to know, as soon as possible. I may get my week of freedom and much sooner than I had expected. We're talking a timeframe of 4-7 weeks from this day on. It's late August now so at best I'm girlying for a week in late September already! At worst in October's darkness, but girlying anyway.

In a way later might not be that bad as it'd be easier to conceal a full slut-outfit under my everyday clothes. And that I would enjoy quite a bit, quite a bit indeed. But hey, we'll see!

95% chance of success

I'm not daring enough to call anything certain yet - until the last day. But things look pretty damn good in general. So good that the schedule is the biggest issue and the if part of everything is most likely not an if anymore at all.

When I know for a fact that this is happening I'll start setting up my shopping list (in my horniness it will never be finished or even reasonably sized XD). And if at all possible, I'll get some things bought in advance so I don't have to rush on my first gurlday. If that's not doable, I'll live, as the most important thing is already happening at that point.

What do I want?

To buy the first proper set in about four years. Then some toys to go with it. And most importantly: get some.

As I've said before, I'd love to get to play with another gurl. But us crossdressers are apparently a shy bunch and sometimes you hear some very positive things from someone but then they just fade away. There's not much I can do about that, so I'll just complain a bit. More, if said someone was looking yummy :p

When I know more about my chances I'll be able to try to get a good hold of someone for real and plan a bit :) Dunno if it's the horniness talking or if I'm feeling that sure, but I'm not being shy at all right now. I'd go and meet someone, another more or less closeted crossdresser, in full readiness to show myself in my slut's outfit <3 Not to mention what I'd be ready to do then <3

Backup options

In case no one's interested in me or is able to play when I could, there's always the plan B that I've also mentioned before. The gay sauna Vogue that I've already visited as my male self. Somehow that feels less scary than going to the "video area" of the Keltainen Ruusu.

That's something I've talked about with a gurlfriend. Why does a publicly and openly gay sauna feel less scary than a porn shop's fuck-corner with a mostly gay audience? We decided that because the gay sauna is just that, there's nothing left to guess, everyone knows what can go on in there even if you go there just to have a shower and enjoy sitting in the heat of the sauna.

But the porn shop is a different beast. It's not just for pervs and shadowy figures, normal people go there in open daylight (that fact alone may surprise some folks :p ) and that somehow scares me. The "normal" people maybe seeing me, someone they don't know, going to the cashier's asking to get to the sublevel... when everyone knows or guesses that "that guy's gonna suck dick or something lol". Maybe I am just a tad paranoid but that's how it feels.



* I had written the post a couple of weeks before but I just didn't get to press the publish button *blushes*

This is still not me, sadly

Uh-oh

My plans are not as secure as I had thought. We'll see how things proceed, but... I fear for them. Fuck this shit already, I want certainty, not endless yes-no-maybes!

Playtime at work

Yeah, I am a naughty girl and play at work, so what? ;) Last week I enjoyed myself immensely. I came to work wearing my panties. Then, as soon as there was a nicely quiet moment, I sneaked to ring and plug myself and take photos ;) Yes, I am teasing or trying to tease you and not showing any pics in the blog! >:)

Out of the eight hours I spent about six plugged in. I mostly chatted with other horny cds and cd lovers, listened to porn and all that stuff. Horny, hard and eager for cock.

Needless to say, I didn't achieve much work-related that day, but hey, we all have those days, don't we? ;) Before I left home I went and came like the old faithful itself. That was simply beautiful. It's just a crying shame I was at work so I didn't dare to cum all over my face and body but instead did it cleanly...

Yay! Found more Iodine

I thought I'd share this pot of gold with you, beloved readers :) I also got another nickname for the lovely Iodine: Bekki. Many of the pics here are repeats, but I want to share the full set I came across, in the name of completeness :)

The pix