Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New year, new plans and some old thoughts and feelings shared for the first time

Happy 2012, everyone!

Sadness
There are a couple of pics I took a couple of months ago but I haven't got the courage to post them yet. As I guess many if not all have experieced it, I went and Purged after that set of photos :( I have to clarify that I was in no way ashamed or regretful of what I am and what I do, the reason was purely practical: moving.

Being in a relationship and living in a not-so-huge apartment presents certain problems regarding my crossdressing. I guess you know how it goes :) So, because we're moving, I knew that I might end up being caught and I sure as hell am not ready for that yet. Maybe I never will be ready to come out.

That's the main reason. I don't want to get caught.
My secondary reason is that my outfits were a bit on the dirty side after many, many uses. The toys were also pretty much used and some of them broken... all my cockrings were made of this soft, stretchy material and each and every one of them have broken. I guess the way I use them is a bit rough on them :P And my only real dildo was a bit too big for me and I never got it in, so it was a bit of a useless item for me :(

Too much information?
I've said it before and will keep saying it: I dress up because I like it. I feel sexy as fuck and just thinking of putting on a g-string makes me hard as fuck, very, very quickly... Whenever I dress up, I prance around, ogle at my lingeried body in the mirror and enjoy it thoroughly. There's always some nice trans-porn (crossdressers, bisexual orgies and all sorts of transpeople together or separately) playing on the background, mostly for the sounds. Hearing people please each other while feeling and looking sexy myself is an even bigger turn-on. In a way I'm just building up my horniness.

Sometimes, when I feel like it, I take out my tripod and a camera for some photos. If I don't feel like the hassle, I just take a couple of pics with my phone. Somehow that also makes me hornier. A lot hornier.

This is all some sort of self-teasing I guess. Maybe others do stuff like this, maybe almost everyone. Maybe just a few of us. I wouldn't know :) It's all about building up the feeling, I want to be horny as fuck and look and feel super slutty.

The feeling I go for
If, at this point, I had someone there with me, I'd be up for just about anything... I'd beg for cock. I'd serve my master. I'd swallow his cum and I'd ride his throbbing cock with the greatest of pleasures. Damn, I'd be a slut for a bunch of guys!
Yeah, I desire to be a slut for a (small) group of guys. I know and acknowledge that this is purely from all the porn I've watched ;) You know how it goes, one in the mouth, then I have two hands and an ass, so four dudes could be somehow serviced at the same time <3 And this is one of the what I fantasize about when I'm dressed up, watching/listenting to some awesome hardcore porn. Either a group or just a single someone, a dude or another crossdresser or a real pre-op transsexual, I don't care who, as long as they or (s)he wants me. And who want me as badly as I want to be theirs for taking.

But...
Because I'm just playing with myself, I put on a cock ring, twist it so that it goes like a figure of eight, one loop around my ballsack and the other wrapping the shaft of my hard cock. The tightness feels wonderful and it arouses me even more. Then I get my toys and lube. I used to start with a thin anal buzzer with ~7 modes. Usually I had it on random. It was for extra arousal, and for "opening" me a bit. Meanwhile I was sucking on the dildo or the next anal toy, making it sloppy and ready for insertion. That was a small transparent penis-shaped thingy with a boring vibrator (it was just a solid "bzzz", without any programs or variation). That I used to fuck myself a bit, slowly and carefully.
At this point I am usually almost blind with lust and I can't really take it slowly anymore... Usually I just had to beat off furiously and come on myself.

Highlights
Sometimes I've managed to hold on. My latest toy was a black "anal screw", a ~12cm long wobbly carrot-shaped thing with screw-things (I don't actually know how to call them in english) on the surface and a ring-shaped handle in the end. That one loved to be drilled in slooooooooowly... and then pulled out just to be drilled back in. All the way. It felt wonderful. The only complaint I have is that it had no vibrator because it was a bit too soft (as in non-rigid) to be used as a dildo, because it bent so easily. So I couldn't fuck myself with it in a rapid fashion. If I got to keep doing that for a while, I occasionally came explodingly just because of it, without touching my dick at all.

Depending on how I felt and how stretchy I was feeling, I tried to go for some autofellatio. Seeing a hard cock in front of me, with a porny g-string and socks connected to a garter belt is a very, very hot thing.. even if it's my own cock and outfit ;) I'd of course love to have someone else's body, but what can you do in a closet? :P Autofellatio, when I've done it, has been pretty curious. Usually I just stroke it, fondle the balls, lick the glans, suck it and lick the shaft itself a bit. The position is just a bit uncomfy so I've never treated me to it that often. Depending on how I feel, I come either in my mouth - and swallow everything, of course - or on my face or chest. The more tired I am, the lower I shoot, because I may not be able to keep my position long enough. At least it doesn't get boring ;) Whenever I've shot my load on my chest/belly, I usually smear the cum around and keep stroking a bit, to milk every single drop out.

Endgame
When I've finally come, I generally lose the lust pretty much quickly. I don't know how to call it, but it's a shame it happens and usually so quickly and always way too soon. I'd love to just lie there, feeling full in my ass and satisfied... maybe keep at it for a second round even... But no, when the lust and horniness withdraw, I kinda want to get clean quickly. That may have something to do with the fact that I don't want to make a mess on the sofa, not to get caught of having sperm stains all around.
Maybe the next time I have a good free evening or a day even, I build up my sluttiness again and choose a better place (or cover up better) so I could enjoy the after-the-orgasm moments a bit more, in peace and with time :) But then again, I'd need new outfits and toys for that... many new outfits and toys... :D

Future plans
My old favourite porn shop in Helsinki (Beate Uhse) has closed its doors in its old location for some unexplained reason and I don't think they have moved anywhere else, so I don't have much hope for shopping there in the near future... And the others don't have as awesome a collection, though the Yellow Rose isn't bad at all, but it's still so different. Maybe Amazon helps me with its "this is a gift"-shipping and discreet boxes? I have to check :) I've got direct mail from a porn shop once and that wasn't fun at all.

A promise or two to be more exact
I'll promise to do my best to gather all my courage. To post a pic or two here. In case anyone cared, that is :) As my second promise I say that I'll update this blog a bit better this year <3

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