Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Some ranting

I was going to post something else, but a couple of g+ chats that took part yesterday (and on other days and in other services) sparked this one instead... So, what grinds my gears this time?

The basic idea of mine
Every once in a while someone random starts chatting with me in gchat. That's not a problem, not at all. I like chatting with people, old friends and new strangers alike. Everything's fine so far.
Usually these new, random people ask similar questions. But that's how it goes, you've got to start somehow and basics of who you're talking with is something you should get to know :)

All these chatters are in google+, that's obvious. And they see me in their chat lists so I guess I have to be in their circles, because they couldn't try to chat with me otherwise. As I have no control over who circles me and who doesn't, this is not a problem in the least. So far nothing has been weird or problematic. They see me and my profile, my profile tells them what I want and allow people to know of me.

Chatting nicely
So, there's this person, let's call him mr X for convenience. X starts a chat with me and I reply when I notice it. I'm usually online at work so it may take a moment. We chat for a while about this and that. All's fine and we're friendly because that's how it goes. It's only polite, right?

This specific chat doesn't get to the sometimes blatant "SUCK MY COCK!" first liner or anything, it's pretty casual. Casual and goodhearted. Not that I get offended if someone asks if I suck cocks, it's a valid question in this world :P It's just a completely different opening statement and sometimes a bit amusing - but not offending in my opinion :)

Then mr X asks if I'm a girl. Naturally, I reply that no, I'm a dude. And in addition to that I'm a crossdresser. Mr X disappears without a comment and as far as I know, I'm also uncircled by him.
What the hell did just happen?

My problem with this
Ok, I understand that X wasn't looking for a CD or anything. I also understand that he didn't want me in his circles anymore. That's all cool by me, I don't force myself on anyone :) I was (very lightly) offended by the way he just disappeared without a comment of any sorts. It's happened before: someone starts talking to me and at some point they ask my gender and then they go "Oh, I'm looking for girls here, bye" or something to that effect.
That's very polite and I don't get offended or angry, why should I? :) For each their own, I'm not interested in everyone who I talk to, either :) The least I can do when talking to an uninteresting person is to just say something before I terminate the conversation. It's not their fault they don't tickle my fancy.

Why is this an issue to me?
The reason I complain about this and why I get somewhat angry about mr X's behaviour is the whole stupidity of the situation. I obviously have a profile in g+ and surprise, surprise, it contains some information about me! The word "crossdresser" is one of the first you see next to my name. That "About" tab in my profile tells more about me, not much but something. My gender is clearly visible and the intro has a couple of short paragraphs. At least if one bothers to take a cursory glance at it, one wouldn't be surprised or shocked. I don't hide what I am.

Whenever someone starts a chat with me, I go and check what their g+ profile (including that "About" section) says about them, if anything. I do that so I know what kind of a person I'm talking to. Based on that I've even asked if they knew what I am, so they wouldn't get disappointed. I'm just trying to have things going smoothly. I check what they tell of themselves and believe that they've done the same.

But for some reason in this wonderful world of internet, an insane amount of people don't actually bother with any of that. They just start with their own stuff and like in X's case, get apparently shocked and offended when I tell them something they could've noticed very early on. And they'd avoided "wasting" a good amount of time talking to me and getting to ask it themselves. This would've been so fucking easily avoided.

Is it really that difficult? Do people just go by the profile picture and ignore everything else?
Oh well. It's not my time they're wasting, I had a nice chat until X disappeared. I blame all this on the lack of understanding of the netiquette among these people I complain about. Of course it's not just X and google chat but many people in many different services, based on my personal experience.

Promises, promises...
Next time I'll be more positive or at least have something more fun to say ;) I don't intend to rant this much all the time :)
Kisses <3

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Some new thoughts

New thoughts - to me at least
Since my last post I've had a couple of interesting chats with interesting CD/trans people :) Talking about stuff (interests, for example) with a fellow crossdresser or a transperson is something I've never got to do before.  But now that I've done that and intend to keep doing, it's very valuable.

Uneducated and shy
I'm the first one to admit that I have no clue about many of these things that LGBT people talk about, like the endless amount of acronyms and whatnot. Many of them are things I haven't heard of before or that I haven't even thought of. That happens.

I guess my first reaction to many of these things is some sort of reserved nervousness. "I don't think that's for me..." It may be a very natural and normal response to anyone who's just discovering him/herself. I'm in that group of people, while being very deep in my closet. But semianonymous chatting with likeminded person lights up things very nicely and opens my mind somewhat :)

Just because I feel like it, I'll say what I think or feel about a couple of these things I've talked and  heard about. If anyone has any sort of comments or input on these, please, have at it :) I'm more than interested in interacting with you!

This is the topic that "scares" me the most. Or to be more exact, I have lots of reservations against this because most I know is somewhat hardcore stuff to me. And I'm just a shy home-crossdresser who hasn't been doing anything too weird in his/her life... Apart from what I mentioned in my last post, of course. But I don't think that's anything "far out" :)

Anyway, I don't know much about the whole S&M genre besides the obvious: sadism + masochism. Personally I'm not a fan of pain - neither in the giving or receiving end. Well, maybe some light spanking would be something I'd be willing to try on the receiving end ;) Especially if combined with the next topic.

Maybe this would belong under the previous category, but I decided to separate it for my own convenience. The point is: full-on bondage doesn't really appeal to me either. You know this kind of stuff when people are totally wrapped in ropes and stuff, or whatnot. What intrests me slightly is being lightly tied down, maybe handcuffed. Just so that I can't move too much and I'd be under the control of my mistress, who's another crossdresser or a transgender lady <3
Yeah, I'd be one happy tied bottom for a sexy mistress.

Sissy? Maybe I am
I first heard of this a while ago and I'm not too sure of what the hell it contains. Apparently it's some kind of form of erotic humiliation where a dude's dressed up as a girl (I like it already!). If that's supposed to be a punishment in BSDM games, I don't see it as a punishment at all, but a reward ;) Being dressed as a slutty girl and being told to do things (I'm assuming and hoping they're sexual favors to the mistress) sounds really hot to me and I'm all for that.

If I'm completely wrong about these things, please do rectify me. I don't want to be or remain ignorant :)

Fetishes - I don't think I have any
There are so many fetishes that I can't do more than comment on some things. I know that I have a thing for lingerie, especially red lingerie <3 Certain types of shoes/tall boots are very sexy, but they're not a thing I require. So maybe I don't really have a fetish of any sort. As far as I know there's nothing that I need to have to go off, some things just arouse me a lot more than others.

Some people apparently enjoy playing with bodily wastes, but that's certainly not for me :p I take sperm and that's it ;)

That's it for this time, let's see when I have something else to say and what the hell it will be... Until then: ciao!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New year, new plans and some old thoughts and feelings shared for the first time

Happy 2012, everyone!

There are a couple of pics I took a couple of months ago but I haven't got the courage to post them yet. As I guess many if not all have experieced it, I went and Purged after that set of photos :( I have to clarify that I was in no way ashamed or regretful of what I am and what I do, the reason was purely practical: moving.

Being in a relationship and living in a not-so-huge apartment presents certain problems regarding my crossdressing. I guess you know how it goes :) So, because we're moving, I knew that I might end up being caught and I sure as hell am not ready for that yet. Maybe I never will be ready to come out.

That's the main reason. I don't want to get caught.
My secondary reason is that my outfits were a bit on the dirty side after many, many uses. The toys were also pretty much used and some of them broken... all my cockrings were made of this soft, stretchy material and each and every one of them have broken. I guess the way I use them is a bit rough on them :P And my only real dildo was a bit too big for me and I never got it in, so it was a bit of a useless item for me :(

Too much information?
I've said it before and will keep saying it: I dress up because I like it. I feel sexy as fuck and just thinking of putting on a g-string makes me hard as fuck, very, very quickly... Whenever I dress up, I prance around, ogle at my lingeried body in the mirror and enjoy it thoroughly. There's always some nice trans-porn (crossdressers, bisexual orgies and all sorts of transpeople together or separately) playing on the background, mostly for the sounds. Hearing people please each other while feeling and looking sexy myself is an even bigger turn-on. In a way I'm just building up my horniness.

Sometimes, when I feel like it, I take out my tripod and a camera for some photos. If I don't feel like the hassle, I just take a couple of pics with my phone. Somehow that also makes me hornier. A lot hornier.

This is all some sort of self-teasing I guess. Maybe others do stuff like this, maybe almost everyone. Maybe just a few of us. I wouldn't know :) It's all about building up the feeling, I want to be horny as fuck and look and feel super slutty.

The feeling I go for
If, at this point, I had someone there with me, I'd be up for just about anything... I'd beg for cock. I'd serve my master. I'd swallow his cum and I'd ride his throbbing cock with the greatest of pleasures. Damn, I'd be a slut for a bunch of guys!
Yeah, I desire to be a slut for a (small) group of guys. I know and acknowledge that this is purely from all the porn I've watched ;) You know how it goes, one in the mouth, then I have two hands and an ass, so four dudes could be somehow serviced at the same time <3 And this is one of the what I fantasize about when I'm dressed up, watching/listenting to some awesome hardcore porn. Either a group or just a single someone, a dude or another crossdresser or a real pre-op transsexual, I don't care who, as long as they or (s)he wants me. And who want me as badly as I want to be theirs for taking.

Because I'm just playing with myself, I put on a cock ring, twist it so that it goes like a figure of eight, one loop around my ballsack and the other wrapping the shaft of my hard cock. The tightness feels wonderful and it arouses me even more. Then I get my toys and lube. I used to start with a thin anal buzzer with ~7 modes. Usually I had it on random. It was for extra arousal, and for "opening" me a bit. Meanwhile I was sucking on the dildo or the next anal toy, making it sloppy and ready for insertion. That was a small transparent penis-shaped thingy with a boring vibrator (it was just a solid "bzzz", without any programs or variation). That I used to fuck myself a bit, slowly and carefully.
At this point I am usually almost blind with lust and I can't really take it slowly anymore... Usually I just had to beat off furiously and come on myself.

Sometimes I've managed to hold on. My latest toy was a black "anal screw", a ~12cm long wobbly carrot-shaped thing with screw-things (I don't actually know how to call them in english) on the surface and a ring-shaped handle in the end. That one loved to be drilled in slooooooooowly... and then pulled out just to be drilled back in. All the way. It felt wonderful. The only complaint I have is that it had no vibrator because it was a bit too soft (as in non-rigid) to be used as a dildo, because it bent so easily. So I couldn't fuck myself with it in a rapid fashion. If I got to keep doing that for a while, I occasionally came explodingly just because of it, without touching my dick at all.

Depending on how I felt and how stretchy I was feeling, I tried to go for some autofellatio. Seeing a hard cock in front of me, with a porny g-string and socks connected to a garter belt is a very, very hot thing.. even if it's my own cock and outfit ;) I'd of course love to have someone else's body, but what can you do in a closet? :P Autofellatio, when I've done it, has been pretty curious. Usually I just stroke it, fondle the balls, lick the glans, suck it and lick the shaft itself a bit. The position is just a bit uncomfy so I've never treated me to it that often. Depending on how I feel, I come either in my mouth - and swallow everything, of course - or on my face or chest. The more tired I am, the lower I shoot, because I may not be able to keep my position long enough. At least it doesn't get boring ;) Whenever I've shot my load on my chest/belly, I usually smear the cum around and keep stroking a bit, to milk every single drop out.

When I've finally come, I generally lose the lust pretty much quickly. I don't know how to call it, but it's a shame it happens and usually so quickly and always way too soon. I'd love to just lie there, feeling full in my ass and satisfied... maybe keep at it for a second round even... But no, when the lust and horniness withdraw, I kinda want to get clean quickly. That may have something to do with the fact that I don't want to make a mess on the sofa, not to get caught of having sperm stains all around.
Maybe the next time I have a good free evening or a day even, I build up my sluttiness again and choose a better place (or cover up better) so I could enjoy the after-the-orgasm moments a bit more, in peace and with time :) But then again, I'd need new outfits and toys for that... many new outfits and toys... :D

Future plans
My old favourite porn shop in Helsinki (Beate Uhse) has closed its doors in its old location for some unexplained reason and I don't think they have moved anywhere else, so I don't have much hope for shopping there in the near future... And the others don't have as awesome a collection, though the Yellow Rose isn't bad at all, but it's still so different. Maybe Amazon helps me with its "this is a gift"-shipping and discreet boxes? I have to check :) I've got direct mail from a porn shop once and that wasn't fun at all.

A promise or two to be more exact
I'll promise to do my best to gather all my courage. To post a pic or two here. In case anyone cared, that is :) As my second promise I say that I'll update this blog a bit better this year <3